


But They Say We're Made of Stardust

by cactuslester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, War, future!Au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 16:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5098328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactuslester/pseuds/cactuslester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>3000 years into the future, Dan and Phil meet as kids still in primary school. They follow a journey of becoming best friends to eventually falling in love and trying to navigate through the ups and downs life throws at them: secrets, bad teachers, intergalactic war, the usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story started out as just a paragraph of me rambling about space in my writing journal and is now a 10K fic for the Phandom Big Bang 2015 on tumblr. Now I can’t honestly say that writing this has been such a long journey because I procrastinated so much which led to a mad dash to finishing this in October. Throughout this whole process, my PBB team, [Emma Marie](http://redjacketlester.tumblr.com/) and [Hayley](http://fearsomemango73.tumblr.com/) have helped me so much. Thank you guys for putting up with me and helping me bring this idea to life even though I had writer’s block half the time.

**Prologue**

    

Every single star is a swirling mess of gas and heat, lighting up the hollow emptiness around it. Every star is a possible solar system. Every solar system a chance for life.

Think of the myriads of possibilities of other things that could have, but didn't, happen to our solar system. Imagine if the Sun had gotten just a bit too close to another star and their gravities swallowed each other up, collapsing into a sea of nothing. Imagine if an asteroid crashed into the young Earth and split it back into the pieces it was made from.

Does Fate have us on an iron leash? Or are we merely the children of coincidence?

**Part 1**

_Dear Dan,_

__

_I don’t even know if this will be sent properly, but I wanted to at least try. I want to let you know I’m okay, but I miss you so much. There’s nothing much to tell, Martyn’s wedding was great. Your parents and brother were also at the wedding and they’re all well, but of course they also miss you. I saw a bunch of Bluestar flowers in the park the other day and they reminded me of the first day we met. Do you remember? Do you remember that day nearly 15 years ago? The day we met? Almost everything else that long ago is lost to me but not that, never that. It’s been almost 15 years and you’re still as important to me as that day we declared we were each other's “best friends for life” in primary school. 15 years and you’re still the most important person to me. 15 years of us laughing with each other until we’re holding our sides, and 15 years of our silly little arguments, and 15 years later I still love you. I always will. Right now, we’re both so far away from each other, but I promise that once this is all over we’ll find our way back. I don’t know if you’ll even get this, everything I write has too high a chance of being intercepted by the Corpus, but then again, what do they care about this letter? We’re just two people separated by this war, nothing but collateral damage to them. I hope I’ll see you soon love._

__

_Love,_

_Phil_

__

_(P.S. I don’t know if you’ll get this, but if you do, today is October 16th, 5199 for reference)_

****  


Year 5184

Amorian Galaxy

New Earth

Blue lights shine at the side of the streets, illuminating the pathway for hover vehicles and pedestrians alike. Another 26 hour day is closing on New Earth. Humans aren't terribly creative sometimes, but they're always terribly nostalgic. As their species scattered among the galaxies, some stumbled upon a planet so close to Earth in size and composition. Immediately, they settled and named it, imaginatively, New Earth.

It's been 928 years since Earth became completely uninhabitable, and 2037 years since humans first found other planets to call home. They spread amongst the stars, conquering galaxies, for better or for worse.  

A skinny young boy with ginger blond hair pokes his head out of his house's front door when he hears a maglev truck outside.

His mother tugs at his pale orange shirt sleeve, hissing, "Phil, come back inside, dinner's ready."

"But there's someone here, I want to meet them," Phil whines petulantly.

"I know, they're the new family moving in. Come on, we can say hi in the morning." Reluctantly, Phil heads back inside, ginger hair flashing for a moment in the golden sunlight.

Two houses over, the maglev truck slows to a stop and a family of four hops out, two young parents, a boy around Phil’s age with espresso colored hair, and an infant wrapped in a forest green blanket in the father’s arms. The little boy glances around apprehensively and with awareness far beyond his years. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a cluster or Bluestar flowers and stoops down to pick one with his short, chubby fingers. The flower is tiny with five petals all colored a blue darker than the sky, lighter than the ocean, and tinged with a hint of purple. It’s a color bordering on periwinkle, but not quite.

“Come on Dan, we’re going inside, it’s getting dark.”, the mother calls behind her.

Putting the flower into his pocket with great care, he follows his mother into their new home. The sleek silver door clicks shut behind him.

~

Leaves rustle as the warm summer breeze blows through, mussing up artfully styled hair, and sending papers flying. Phil rides down the street on a tricycle, giggling and shouting as the wind whistles by. He glances down at the controls for a second. Looking back up, he just narrowly misses crashing into a boy with brown hair and eyes widening at the proximity of the tricycle. Phil swerves and the tricycle topples, sending him rolling into a patch of grass. The boy comes to a stop, and starts running towards Phil.

“You okay?”, the boy extends a hand that Phil takes to steady himself.

“Yeah, I think so.”

Sorry I was in the way. My mummy always says I’m not looking where I’m going and one day I’ll accidentally walk off the planet.”

Phil laughs at his comment, “You’re the new kid right? My mom told me about you.”

“Yep that’s me, new kid.” The boy smiles and points at himself. He seems very energetic.

“So, uh... What’s your name?”  

“Dan.”

“I’m Phil.”

“Are you going to year 2 next year too?”

“Yup, wanna be friends?” Phil stumbles over his words in the beginning, unsure to ask.

“Okay.”, Dan responds shyly, eyes lighting up at the prospect of a new friend in a new neighborhood.

“What’s your favorite game?”, genuine curiosity takes over Phil’s features.

“Uhh, tag.”

“Okay, tag you’re it!”

“Hey, you didn’t say we were playing!”Dan laughs as he chases after Phil, with fears about being the new kid with no friends melting away.

~

 

New Earth’s sun, Stellon, rises and sets as the summer rushes by in a swirl of ice cream cones and games of tag. Dan and Phil have become nearly inseparable before the start of the school year. They spend hours under the blazing sun, only going back inside when it has fully set.

By now, Phil has met the Howells and Dan the Lesters. On days when the wind is just right and the sun not too hot, their mothers sit under the patchy shade of a maple tree and chat, watching their sons immersed in a game of hopscotch.

 

~

A new excitement fills the air and chatter about needing to get school supplies android-delivered hangs on the lips of parents. The last week of summer has arrived far too soon.

On the very last day of summer, Dan goes over to Phil’s house, a fresh-picked Bluestar in hand. He knocks on the silvery door and is greeted by a smiling Mrs. Lester; she cranes her head towards the stairwell and shouts for Phil, “Phil! Dan’s here!”

As per usual, Phil bounds down the stairs, beaming unable to contain his excitement , “ Hi Dan!”

“Hi Phil,” Dan responds, a smile just as bright on his face, “You wanna go outside and play? Today’s the last day.”

“Sure, let’s go.”

“ Oh and Phil I have something for you.” Dan explains to Phil so quietly, that his voice is carried with the wind.

“Okay, you boys be safe, stay on the street.”, Mrs. Lester reminds them, motherly concern apparent.

“Yes mum.”, Phil sighs petulantly.

“We know,” Dan follows suit.

Dan and Phil race down the street until they reach a small park, breathless.

“Wait, Phil I have something for you.”, Dan pulls the delicate Bluestar out of his pocket, “I found this. I think looks like your eyes.”

Gingerly, Phil takes the flower, “Thanks Dan, I love it.” and smiles.


	2. Part 2

_Dear Phil,_

_How could I ever forget the day we met? I was so scared and nervous about moving into a completely new area and being the new kid and not knowing anyone, but you took that fear away almost instantly. You put up with me for so long and through so much, you’ve been by my side for longer than any else. And god I know this whole thing sounds so sappy and cliché, but can you blame me? Remember that period of time in year 9 when I was just so quiet for a few months? And how I was pretty much avoiding you during that whole time? Well, you know now it was because I was working up the courage to come out, but it must’ve been so frustrating for you to put up with me during that time and you still did. Remember how we fell in love? I had a crush on you for so long and I spent so much time pining until that day in year 11 when you kissed me. Everyone was saying we would be the perfect couple, but I didn’t want to believe them because I knew if it turned out that you didn’t like me, I would never get over it. I should’ve listened to them earlier because you have made me the happiest I have ever been and I miss you so much right now. I miss going to bed at night and knowing you’re right there next to me, I miss cuddling while watching scary movies because god knows I couldn’t watch them alone. I miss waking up to your smile, I miss you always knowing when I’m feeling down and knowing exactly what to do to make me feel better. This is the cheesiest thing I have ever written, but every word is true. I miss you._

__

_Yours Truly,_

_Dan (November 7th, 1599)_

Five years is really not as long as it sounds. In the blink of an eye, Dan and Phil find themselves in the summer before secondary school. Throughout growing up together and going through primary school, they never turned their back on each other and became known as inseparable. There was almost never Dan without Phil, or vice versa; it was always Dan and Phil. When Dan or Phil talked to other people, the I’s were lost in the conversation as they became we’s as their friendship grew stronger.

~Year 5189

Dan nearly bounces with a combination of anticipation and nervous energy towards Phil’s house. He knocks twice on the door and not even five seconds later, it swings open to reveal a just as excited Phil.

“Morning, you ready?”, Phil asks, blue eyes sparkling.

“Maybe, I’m kinda nervous.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

“Look at us, the ultimate nerds being excited for the first day of school.”

“Not necessarily excited, more like anxious. And it’s not just school, it’s secondary school now”

“Whatever you say Phil.” Dan says rolling his eyes.

“I saw that, you know. And I mean we have a reason to be excited. We have so many classes together and some with PJ and Chris.”

“I guess you’re right.”

The school looms ahead, all gleaming chrome and glinting windows. Students are milling around the front entrance, some looking horribly confused and lost, but others laughing and talking in a circle of friends. The air holds a whisper of excitement that seems to amplify the white noise of babble.

Dan stares at the enormous campus and then glances over at Phil, “Well, there it is, let’s go then.”

~Year 5191

Year 9 has not been treating Phil well. His teachers are awful, they’re either too strict or don’t teach at all during class. Finals are coming up and he was screwed. He has been doing rather well in all his classes, but tests just are not his thing. His brother is going off to uni soon and Phil’s miss him–a lot. And the cherry on top of it all is that Dan seems to be avoiding him.

Phil has no idea why, but one day out of the blue, about four weeks ago, Dan just started getting really quiet. Phil doesn’t remember anything happening between them and he can’t exactly ask Dan if he said something wrong because everytime Phil tries to talk to him, Dan just brushes it off and says he’s fine. Phil has ruled out problems at home because he just talked to Dan’s little brother last week and he said that everything was fine at home. He also noticed Dan being a little quieter, but according to his brother, it’s not nearly as bad as when Dan’s at school. So Phil is pretty sure it’s some personal problem that somehow involves school or Dan’s friends, including Phil. There have been times when Dan was mad at his friends and didn’t talk to him, but he always talked to Phil. They were always there for each other, and in the nine or so years of their friendship, fights between them were few and far between.

It’s been too long, Phil decides. He’s given Dan his space and time to figure whatever the hell it is out, but now Phil is quite worried. His only idea now is to ask PJ and Chris if they know anything, but Phil wasn’t quite sure if they would know anything beyond what he already does. The four of them sit together at lunch so PJ and Chris must have noticed how little Dan’s been talking, but if they know something, they haven’t said anything about it. English class is probably the best time to ask them as it’s the only class Phil has with both PJ and Chris and that Dan’s not in.

Fourth hour English class rolls around and Phil decides that working on their project today isn’t as important as figuring out what is wrong with his best friend. Miss Hansen announces that they have the entire class period to work on their presentation and to pretty much everyone, that means a free period. Students never actually use class time to work on things, everything is usually shoved to the day before it’s due. All the students get busy pushing their desks together in groups and pulling out their textbooks to give the semblance of working, but when Miss Hansen isn’t paying attention is when the chatter increases slightly in volume and people start pulling out their phones from their backpacks. Phil sees PJ retrieving his sketchbook and Chris starting to get lost in the world of the Internet on his phone, and he stops them both. “Uh... wait, wait, guys wait,” Phil rushes, “I have something to ask you guys.”

They both look at him inquisitively before PJ cues him to start with “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Did you guys know that like back in the 2000s or 3000s, I forgot which, kids used to have carts in their classrooms with laptops in them? Like they they didn’t have netscreens built into their desks. And I heard that the laptops from that long ago weighed over a kilogram!” Phil found himself stalling for time. He wasn’t quite sure why though. It’s not like he had anything to be scared of; he wasn’t confessing some big secret to them, just asking if they knew what was wrong with Dan. And it’s not like they were strangers, aside from Dan, Chris and PJ were his closest friends.

Chris interrupts his train of thought, “Phil, you’ve only told us that twice in the past week and I know that’s not what you wanted to tell us, so spill.”

“Okay... have you guys noticed anything weird going on with Dan lately?”

The puzzled looks on their faces showed they hadn’t. “I mean hasn’t he seemed a bit quiet to you guys the past month or so?”

“Now that you mention it, I guess he has. He hasn’t been talking very much and seems a bit distant.” PJ muses.

“Yeah, yeah I was thinking that too! It’s been a bit strange, hasn’t it?” Chris chimed.

Phil is beginning to think they don’t know much more than he does, not that he was expecting them to. “So I take it you guys don’t know why he’s been like this?”

“Nope.” comes the response from both of them.

Phil throws up his hands in frustration, “Then what am I supposed to do? I don't know what’s going on with my best friend, and every time I try to talk to him about it all I get are one sentence answers and reassurances that he’s fine! But I know Dan Howell, goddammit I've known him for nearly nine years and I know he is not fine.”

Chris and PJ are quiet for a moment, clearly taken aback. Phil rarely loses his temper, he is usually the mediator of the group, the one who keeps the rest of them calm. “I don’t know Phil, I wish we could help. Do you want one of us to try talking to him?” PJ offers.

“Yeah sure, could one of you guys try? Thanks.”

“No problem man, I’ll talk to him after school today.” Chris says.

~

Conveniently, Chris and Dan have the same 7th hour Zorscian class together so it made everything a bit easier. The last test before finals was today and Dan has no idea why Miss Lamont decided to have a huge test a week before finals. Why not just lump the material from this test into the final? Teachers, he’d never fully understand them.

Dan writes the last answer on the test and is a about to stand up to turn it in before he realizes he forgot where Miss Lamont said to put them. Her desk? The stool in the corner? The empty student’s desk at the front? He always forgets to pay attention whenever teachers give out directions before a test and it always ends up like this. He pretends to check his answers until he sees Ben stand up and put his test on the stool in the corner of the room. Dan gives it half a minute before he stands up to turn in his own test, just so it’s not as obvious he was waiting for someone to show him what to do first.

He sits back down and realizes there’s still twenty minutes left in class and he has nothing to do. He can’t do homework from other classes because his textbooks are all on his netscreen and he’s not allowed to take that out while others are still taking the test, and he just finished the book he brought. So he resorts to twiddling his thumbs, staring at the clock, and worrying about how in the world he’s going to come out to Phil. Coming out is not as necessary as it used to be, according to Dan’s history teacher, but he still wants to officially let Phil and later everyone else know he’s bi. Dan really has no idea why he’s worrying and putting this off because it’s not like everyone is going to hate him. Homophobia, or biphobia in this case, barely exists anymore and homophobes are of a small minority. He knows that of all his friends and family, Phil would always be the most accepting of him, of course he would, so he doesn’t understand why he’s been delaying this. Dan just fully realized and came to terms that he was bisexual a month and a half ago and the issue of coming out has been bothering him for about a month. He knows he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, just a simple “hey Phil, by the way I’m bi” would do, but that sentence just seems so hard to say.

Almost everyone has turned in their test by now, Dan notes. An atmosphere of restlessness swells as his peers stare at the clock on the wall and wait for the bell to ring, signaling the end of the day. The clock seems to stay on 3:14pm for much longer than a minute before the “4” changes to a “5” and a high pitched tone sounds through the speakers throughout the school. Backpacks are slung onto shoulders as people make a mad dash for the door. Dan, however, prefers to not get trampled or have his breathing cut off when trying to squeeze through the doorway with about ten other people trying to do the same, so he takes his time packing up. He sees Chris making his way over to him, backpack in one hand, netscreen in the other.

“Hey, how’d you think you did?” asks Chris about the test.

“It was surprisingly easy so I think I did alright.” Dan answered, his voice going up a little at the end, ending it almost like a question.

“Yeah it was okay. Say, do you want to come over tomorrow? I’ve already asked PJ and Phil, but I didn’t see you at lunch today.”

“Sure why not? I’ll be there, but I gotta go now, mum said she wanted me home by 3:30pm today to watch over Adrian.”

“Wait Dan.., Are you alright?”

Dan became aware that Phil, PJ, and Chris had probably noticed him acting preoccupied lately, but he couldn’t tell Chris why quite yet, “Yeah, I’m fine, why?”

“No it’s just you’ve been a bit quiet recently and we’re starting to get worried, Phil especially.”

_Shit, they’ve definitely noticed and Phil’s worried? I need to get myself together now._ “Oh I guess I’ve just been kinda busy with homework and stuff, nothing to worry about.”

“Okay then, I’ll see you tomorrow Dan!”

“Bye Chris!” Dan makes his way out of the classroom as he waves to Chris. He needs to make a plan about how he’s going to come out and he needs to do it quick. The first order of business would be to decide whether he wants to sit Phil down after he says “Phil we need to talk” which no doubt will make Phil very anxious for the duration of the talk until he gets to his point, just let him know casually in passing, or wait for some opportunity to make a stupid joke involving something not straight.

~1 week later

 

“Good morning Mrs. Lester!” Dan greets Phil’s mum before stepping inside.

“Morning Dan, I haven’t seen you in a little while, how are you?

“I’ve been okay, I guess I’ve just been a bit busy with school so I haven’t had much time.”

Oh right, Phil told me finals are next week so I’m sure you’ve been studying hard. He’s upstairs.” she replies.

Dan bounds up the stairs and knocks on the first door to the left. He enters after Phil’s voice from inside invites him in. “Morning loser.”

“Morning dork. What do you want to do today, watch a film or video games?” Phil asks.

Dan takes a shaky breath and prays Phil doesn’t notice how wavery his voice is, “I vote for a film today, but first I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Phil detects the seriousness in Dan’s tone and pats the space on the bed next to him, “Sure, what up’s?”

Dan sits down and musters up as much courage as he can. “Um... okay... so I don’t really know how to say this,” he decides to just tell him quickly, like ripping off a plaster, “so just go with it okay?” Dan is sure there’s no backing out now so might as well just do it, “I'm pretty sure I'm bi.” He mumbles so fast, not even he heard what he said.

“Huh, come again? I got zero percent of what you just said.”

Well of course Phil didn’t hear him, that just had to happen and Dan just had to be forced to say it again. To be fair to Phil, Dan did say it really quickly. “I said, I’m pretty sure I’m bi.” Dan waits and tries to read Phil’s face for an agonizing few seconds before Phil responds.

“That’s great Dan! I’m so happy for you!” Phil wraps Dan in a hug before Dan could react and he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh thank you so much Phil for not getting mad at me for not telling you sooner or something. That’s why I’ve been so quiet, I was contemplating how I was going to tell you for the past month.”

“Of course I’m not mad at you Dan, I get that things like this take time. I’m just glad you figured it all out. Now I was thinking of watching Skaron’s War today?”

“You read my mind, I was going to suggest that! And thank you Phil, for being the best best friend today.”

“Anytime Dan, anytime.”

 

~2 years later, 5193

 

“Morning!” Phil chirps when he opens the door to a grinning Dan on his porch.

“Hey you.” Dan greets, “Can you believe we’re already in Year 11? I mean remember just a few years ago when we could hardly believe we were in secondary school. Now we’re almost done and we’ll be off to uni before we know it and—”

“Dan”, Phil cuts him off, “Now’s not the time for a quarter life crisis. C’mon I don’t want to be late for the first day of school.”

“God, you saying that sentence makes it sound like we’re in Year 7 again. Ohmygod Daan hurry up we’re gonna be late for the first day of school.” Dan does an exaggerated impression of Phil.

“I did not sound like that!” Phil says indignantly between fits of giggles.

“You did.”

“Let’s go or we’ll actually be late. I told PJ that we would meet him under the tree.”

“Under the tree, pfft that sounds like we’re meeting up to deal drugs or something.”

“Daaan.”

The two walk side by side towards the direction of the school. When he thinks Phil isn’t looking, Dan steals a few glances at him not believing how lucky he is to have a friend like Phil. He thinks back to the first day in this new city. He remembers how he was scared and nervous, unsure of the new place. Most memories from so far back are just hazy snippets, but meeting Phil, well, Phil crashing into him is still clear as day.

A hand waves in front of Dan’s line of sight.

“Earth to Dan Howell. Were you listening to anything I was saying?”

“Huh? Oh sorry I was thinking," Dan replies sheepishly.

“Right...so anyways I was saying since we did literally nothing but play videogames together all summer, we should hang out with some of our other friends because they probably think we’re dead or something.”

“Yeah, we should," Dan responds, mind still wandering.

Phil stares at him puzzledly.

“What?”

“You’ve been acting weird today.”

“Have I?” Dan looks up and _holy shit Phil’s eyes are blue_. Amidst the clouded memories, Dan singles out when he gave Phil the Bluestar flower. His eyes were as beautiful —no wait more beautiful than the flower— swirls of light blue speckled with green and gold kissed by the sun.

Dan’s train of thought comes to a screeching halt as he realized what just went through his head. Phil? Beautiful? Sure, Phil wasn’t bad looking and was generally quite aesthetically pleasing, but it’s not like Dan had a crush on him or something, right? Right? Sure, he was bi and it would be totally normal for him to have a crush on a boy but his best friend? That had to be out of the question.

~

Dan waits for Phil by the gate of the school. Amidst the heads of all his peers, Dan spots the shock of inky black hair that looks blue under the sun, styled almost exactly like Dan’s. He half walks, half jogs to Phil. “Hey did your mum say you could come over?” Dan asks when he’s several feet from Phil.

“Yup, I told her it was for a project and she said yes.”

“Well it is for that project in Perigoth's class. And that show you said you wanted to show me.” Dan adds, “but it’s not like you full out lied to her or anything. If we have extra time after we finish the project, you can show me what you wanted to.”

“Yeah, you’re not wrong, and why shouldn’t I get to show you something after we’re done with our project?” Phil reasoned, “Plus it’s not like either of our parents is really going to mind as long as we’ve finished work first.”

“Exactly. Okay then let’s get back quickly so we actually have time.”

Dan presses his index finger to the glass plate above the front door handle of his house to scan it and the door swings open. They both step inside, toeing off their shoes before going any further than the entry hall. “Mum? You home?” Dan calls into the seemingly empty house.

“Yes Dan. Did you have a good day a school?” his mum calls back from the stairwell leading into the den.

“I guess, school was school, how good can it be? Phil’s here too, we’re going to work on a project. Also is dad home yet?”

“Oh hi Phil!” she greets him.  “And no honey, he’s still at work, he’ll be home in a couple hours.”

“Hi Mrs. Howell. We’re going to go work on our project now, thanks for having me over.” Phil answers.

“Okay, you boys go do that. Phil, you’re welcome to stay for dinner, I believe Mr. Howell said he’s making four cheese lasagna tonight.”

“Thanks for having me over for dinner!”

The two of them race up the stairs and into Dan’s room. They both toss their backpacks onto the bed and then take a seat on the floor. Netscreens are powered on and directions are pulled out of binders as they get to work on the research project. Neither of them are particularly taken with the topic given so the hours drag by. Dan looks up at Phil every now and then and can’t help but notice how cute he is when he’s concentrating. His hair has fallen in his face and a little scowl has appeared as he reads the article on the netscreen. Dan resigns himself to the fact that he has a crush on his best friend. It’s just a crush, nothing more.

    “Alright do you think we’re about done here?” Phil asks, pulling Dan out of his thoughts, “I think we have enough to give a good presentation.”

    “Huh? Oh right, yeah I think this is good.” Dan’s caught slightly off guard.

    A look tinged with worry passes over Phil’s features, “Are you sure you're okay Dan? You can tell me anything, what's wrong?”

    “Nothing, alright? There's nothing wrong.” Dan’s distant, and it reminds Phil of the time in year 9. Maybe he should leave Dan alone for a little while, let him figure whatever it is he needs to fix out.

****  
  
  
  


~1 month later, December 23,  5193

    Dan Howell is royally fucked. He is totally, completely in love with his best friend which is a can of worms he doesn’t even want to touch. He’s only just come to terms with this realization, but coming to terms with something does not necessarily mean that whatever issues it causes are solved.

Dan decides that maybe he shouldn’t tell Phil, this’ll eventually pass, won't it? As long as he doesn't do anything stupid like be around Phil while drunk or tired, he would probably never know. All he has to do is make sure the truth never slips out, which is unfortunately, something truth tends to do eventually.

    Two weeks off from school for winter break is a godsend. Finals are over and all long term projects have been turned in. Both Dan and Phil have literally no homework. So what better way to spend their time than to play video games and watch films? The only problem is Dan can't fully enjoy the break, how can he when he sees Phil everyday and is forced to keep his mouth shut? Phil was more than accepting when Dan came out, but this is something that has a real possibility of ruining their friendship. Best case scenario, Dan confesses and it’s revealed that Phil likes him back, and they live happily ever after, but this is nowhere near realistic and Dan knows he shouldn’t get hit hopes up. Worst case scenario, the feelings aren’t mutual and Phil gets really weirded out by having a best friend who’s in love with him and their nine year friendship ends, just like that. Dan’s final decision is just to not tell Phil, their friendship is far too important, much more important than Dan’s feelings. _This should be easy enough right? Just keep your mouth shut, Howell._

His netscreen chirps and an automated voice follows, “Message from Phil Lester.” it announces. Dan drags himself out of bed, which is significantly more difficult than usual as he’s been wide awake staring at the ceiling the entire night, contemplating life, the universe, and what the hell you’re supposed to do when you’re in love with your best friend. He taps a couple buttons on the netscreen and the message that reads, “hey do you want to hang out today? I know our families are getting together for christmas in two days but I haven’t seen you since last friday”. It almost hurts Dan to read the last part because Phil misses him and it honestly makes Dan so happy to be missed by the person he loves, but it’s not like Phil feels the same way. He types out a quick reply and hits send, collapsing on his bed and waiting there until Phil knocks on his door.

Less than ten minutes later, Dan hears his mum calling for him, “Dan! Phil’s here are you awake?”

“Okay just a second!”, he yells back. Pulling on a pair of black skinny jeans and a t-shirt, Dan gives a glance at his reflection in the mirror and deems himself decent. He stumbles down the stairs to greet a giggling Phil at the door. “Hey! No judging, you’re even clumsier than me.” Dan half says, half laughs, mock defiance in his voice.

“I’m not judging, definitely not.” comes the reply, “Do you want to head into town for today?”

“Why, what for?”

“Well you still need to buy Christmas presents, don’t you?”

“Ohh, right. You know me too well Phil Lester, I totally forgot about that.”

“Even people who don’t know you well know of your procrastination habits, don’t kid yourself, Dan.”

“Shut up, that's not true!”

“Yes, it is and you know it.”

~December 31, 5193

Dan meets Phil, Chris and PJ at a little restaurant downtown for their own New Year’s celebration. The four of them had their share of crazy parties over the past week and agreed on a small get together to ring in the new year. “So,” Dan starts, taking a seat next to Phil, “any resolutions guys?”

The other three collectively groan. “Well, I kinda want to make a short film this year,” PJ begins, “but I’m not a whole fan of writing down your resolutions because I rarely stick to them anyways and it's another thing to be guilty about not finishing if I'm honest.

Chris looks up from his menu, “Yeah, I get what you mean, who even sticks to all their resolutions?”

“I’ve had the same resolution for years,” Dan started, “I always tell myself it’s time to–”

“Get fit.”Phil finished for him, “Yeah we’ve been hearing that one for years.”

“Hey, in my defense, I’ve been busy.”

“Busy doing what, procrastinating?”

PJ and Chris share a knowing look. It’s far too obvious just by how they speak and act around each other how ridiculously in love they are, but both are too scared to admit it to the other. PJ leaned over to whisper in Chris’ ear, “I cannot stand this, we need to help them get together or else the two idiots will spend years pining.”

“Okay, then after dinner you know how we were all going to head into town? Let’s leave early instead, and casually remind them that it’s New Year’s.”

PJ sneaks a glance at Dan and Phil to make sure they aren’t looking before nodding furiously at Chris’ suggestion. Neither of them have even an inkling what PJ and Chris are planning; when they’re together, the rest of the world is lost to them. Anyone who hangs near Dan and Phil are instant third wheels, it’s almost ridiculous.

The conversation over dinner turns complaining about school while they’re waiting for their food. Dan always talks about his strange Zorscian teacher, who is rumored to actually be from the planet Zorscia, although they’ve all heard about him hundreds of times hundreds of times since the school year started. It’s the way Dan tells stories that makes it worth listening to time and time again, Phil thinks. Hand gestures and being extremely articulate can really hold an audience apparently. Chris regrets taking philosophy; all his teacher talks about is how technology is ruining society and it sounds awfully similar to what the people from the early 2000s were saying. Choosing advanced literature and linguistics as a class means Phil is constantly swamped in a myriad of essays and books he’s been assigned to read. He’s had to study everything from the ancient Greek languages to the evolution of modern Amorian language family.

The food arrives and they decide maybe talking about school when they should be relaxing is not the best idea. Complaints about their uni classes somehow leads to them asking each other the strangest, most impossible would you rather questions.

“Would you rather be forced into a cryo tube and be in hypersleep for fifty years or die at the hand of the Garstinians?” Dan asks them.

“Obviously Gartsinians because if I choose cryo tube, when I wake up, everyone I know will be dead!” Phil feels quite strangly about his response.

“But,” Chris reminds him, “remember that thing we read about how the Garstinians kill by literally dissolving their enemy with those wierd ass torture chambers they have?”

“Oh true.” the confidence Phil had about his answer quickly drains away.

“Chris, that was never actually proven, all we have on that conspiracy is an article written by someone fifteen years ago.” PJ says, refuting Chris’ reasoning.

“You can never be too careful.” Chris jokes.

~

A look down at his watch tells PJ it’s nearing eleven o’clock and if he wants his and Chris’ plan to work, they need to be gone before midnight. He stands up, motioning at Chris to do the same, “Aw guys I really should be going now, I told my mum I’d be home to celebrate the new year.”

Chris makes an excuse to a similar effect, “Yeah sorry guys, I got to go too, my parents are expecting me home soon and god knows how disappointed my sister will be if I’m not home by midnight. I told her I’d visit today.”

“Yeah that’s fine guys, I guess we’ll see you next year then!” Phil says as he waves them goodbye.

Dan rolls his eyes, clearly 300% done, “God Phil, it’s not like everyone uses that same joke every single new year.”

Goodbyes were said and now Dan and Phil are the only ones left aside from the employees in the restaurant. “Should we go?” asked Phil, “I was thinking we could take a walk along the river the the giant fountain downtown and we can watch the clock tower strike midnight from there.”

“Sounds like a plan, let’s go!”

The two walk along the Bicariz River that runs right through the city. The path is quite a few meters wide, but they walk close enough that their shoulders are touching and their fingers brush against each other. Phil just wants to take Dan’s hand in his own and he wishes he could just tell Dan how he truly feels and Dan would reveal the feeling was mutual and they’d skip off into the sunset. Life is never that simple or easy though, right? Dan points excitedly to the stars which are unusually bright tonight and rattles off more facts than Phil can remember. Phil looks over at Dan who just looks adorable when talking about something he’s passionate about. A moment of clarity strikes Phil and he makes a decision. A dramatic decision that can alter the course of their friendship forever, but hopefully it’ll be worth the risk. He’s going to tell Dan. He’s going to tell Dan how he feels because the thought of Dan never knowing and having to live with this secret is killing Phil. Nine years of friendship makes Phil doubt the possibility Dan would just never want to speak to him again and this reassures Phil.

It’s quarter to midnight when they reach their destination. The fountain ahead sprays water into the air that glistens under New Earth’s two moons. The tiny droplets resemble crystals of a chandelier suspended in the air. A chilly breeze zips through the leafless tree branches and combined with the muffled din of people downtown a few blocks over, creates a new white noise. Dan takes a seat at the edge of the fountain and pats the spot next to him. The second Phil sits down, the both turn to each other and say “I need to talk to you.”

“Woah we’re possessed.” Phil laughs, using another overdone joke.

“Okay, you go first then.” Dan tries desperately to buy some time.

“No it’s okay you go.”

“No you, I can wait.”

“So can I.”

“Fine, but promise you won’t get mad at me okay Phil?”

A look of confusion and slight concern settles on Phil’s features, “Okay.” he says slowly, “as long as you didn’t murder someone I’ll probably be okay with it.”

“Okay okay,” nothing has ever been this hard for Dan to say aside from coming out, “Phil we’ve been friends for so long and you have been the absolute best friend to me for nine years. I really hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship,” Dan sees Phil’s concern deepen, “but you’re just so amazing in every way. You’re funny, smart, you were there for me when no one else wasn’t, you haven’t gotten tired of me at least a hope not, and I think I might uhh…” the usually articulate Dan is gone and he finds himself flailing, looking for the right words. “Oh fuck it.” he mutters under his breath. “Phil, I love you.” The next half second is bliss when it feels like an anvil has been lifted off Dan’s chest, but this relief doesn’t last for long as Dan finds himself trying to read Phil. His face is completely expressionless, almost as if he’s in shock. “Oh god Phil I’m so sorry, I never should have told you and put you in this situation uh I’ll just go now happy new year I’ll uh see you.” Dan turns turns to leave, mortified but is stopped. Phil pulls him back by the elbow and their faces are so close Dan can see each individual freckle on Phil’s face and the light reddish brown roots in his hair under his fringe. From this close, Phil is just as beautiful, probably even more so, Dan decides. Before he processes what’s happening, a pair of lips are pressed against his and it quite literally takes his breath away. _Phil is kissing me. What? Phil is actually kissing me._ The kiss is soft and cautious but the best thing that has ever happened to Dan, he thinks in that moment. Dan returns the kiss and his arms wrap around Phil’s neck, fingers tangling in his dyed black hair. The fountain sprays a jet of water into the air and the water raining down on them pulls them out of the moment. Reluctantly, they pull apart. “Wow” Dan breathes.

Phil turns to face Dan, “Yeah well I guess now you know what I was going to talk to you about.”

“Can we do that again in two minutes at midnight?”

“I don’t see why not.”

The sound of people downtown grows louder as it approaches midnight, the countdown is just audible from where Dan and Phil are seated by the fountain. “3..2..1!” they hear and Phil kisses Dan this time more passionately, more sure, less careful.

By now, tiredness is starting to set in and they make the decision to walk home now before they both collapse into the fountain. Now they walk hand in hand with their fingers intertwined. Dan is almost disgusted by how cliché he seems when he thinks this, but he takes note of how perfectly Phil’s hand fits in his. Arms swinging between them, Dan and Phil are lost in their own little world on their way back home, and Dan decides this is arguably the best day of his life.

They reach Dan’s house and Phil wishes him goodnight and a happy new year with a kiss, “Goodnight Dan, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dan goes to bed and replays the events of today over and over in his mind until he falls asleep. He still hasn’t fully processed that Phil likes him and that Phil was the one who kissed him today. He’s glad he worked up the courage to tell Phil today. Maybe some secrets aren’t meant to be kept.


	3. Part 3

_Dear Dan,_

__

_I hope you had a good Christmas Dan. It just wasn’t the same without you here with me. I haven’t seen you in so long. Everyday I pray to whoever’s listening, just anyone that I get to see you again soon. This war is silly, stupid, unnecessary. If I could, I would march right up to Corpus headquarters and slap some sense into each and every one of them, but alas, I can’t. Remember our first year at uni? We were both so nervous. We were part of the very small portion of students who didn’t stay in a dorm in our first year. It was a leap for us to go from living separately and going to the same school to living together and going to different universities. I’m glad we did what we did and I miss it all. It seems to long ago, the last time we were in our flat together, but it’s only been three months. Now here we are, so far apart we’re on different planets. How did we let this happen? I was just visiting my parents for a weekend when suddenly the Corpus puts a ban on interplanetary travel because of whatever disagreement or whatever they’re having with the Animarin and bam, things can change so quickly. I hope you’re well and taking care of the flat. Remember to water the houseplants! I can’t wait until this is over and I finally get to hold you in my arms again and fall asleep next to you. I just miss you so much, Dan. I miss our bickering almost every morning because I steal your cereal, I miss curling up on the sofa with you to watch a film, I miss your dimples, I miss your smile, I miss how you try to hide your laugh whenever you hear one of my stupid jokes (admit it, I’m pretty damn funny). I want to go back to the simpler times before all of this. Remember our first year as uni students. Remember how nervously I asked you if you wanted to live with me instead of in a dorm? Remember what it was like when we first moved in together? We were both so clueless about furniture, home appliances, and all that and every other conversation between us was a domestic squabble. Even our new uni friends called us an old married couple, just like PJ and Chris always did back in secondary school. They’re doing well, by the way. I visited them and other than this war, they’re doing well. I want to return to our domestic bliss, Dan, I would give everything to be able to just get on a ship and fly to Cnxeros now. I mean, sure I’m in my childhood house with my family and some people are tying to tell me to be happy because at least I’m trapped on the planet with the majority of my family, but the thing is, I’m not home. I love my family and I will always prefer New Earth over Cnxeros if we’re simply talking about which is the better planet to live on, but none of that matters now because I’m not with you. Some say home is not a place, it’s a person and they are so right. You are my home, Dan._

_The issue with this war between the Corpus and Animarin is it’s not huge. It’s not resulting in hundreds of thousands of death everyday. It’s not being broadcasted on every netscreen across the galaxy. It’s almost what I’d call a passive war if such a thing can exist. It’s victims aren’t bloodied soldiers and dead children, it’s people like us, separated from those they love the most. The victims are anyone who travels between New Earth and Cnxeros and that’s a whole lot of people. But because we aren’t all dying bloody, no one else in this galaxy cares. Who knows how long this will drag on? I’m sorry you had to read all that, me using precious letter space to vent, but I just needed to talk to someone and usually that someone is you. Anyways, I love you and remember to take care of the flat. I’ll be home soon, hopefully._

__

_Love,_

_Phil (December 27th, 5199)_

****  
  
  


~July 19th, 5196

A warm breeze blows through Phil’s open window waking him up. It is the middle of summer break and time to start thinking about the next school year. Phil is attending the University of Alexandria and Dan is going to the Mnerion University. Both of them were on the planet of Cnxeros, a small planet five thousand or so lunar clicks away from New Earth, an hour’s flight by public space shuttle. The idea of staying in a dorm with a bunch of other university kids and constantly having to be around four or five other people is not something Phil is liking. Living in a flat would be much more ideal. Dan and Phil have been together for nearly three years now and have been friends for twelve years. Phil toys with the idea of living with Dan and decides he should ask him. It’s not too strange an idea is it? It’s practical, they can split the rent and both save money, it’s convenient as they can pick a flat near both universities, and it’s much more fun living with your best friend and boyfriend rather than four strangers.

Phil types out a message to Dan on his netscreen and hits send.

To Dan 10:56am : Can I ask you something?

The reply comes shortly after.

From Dan 11:01am : Yeah??

To Dan 11:02am : Since we’re both going to be on Cnxeros and our unis are pretty close, do you maybe want to share a flat instead of staying in uni dorms? You don’t have to of course, I just thought it’d be nice.

From Dan 11: 05am : Of course!

~August 23rd, 5196

Phil knocks on the front door of the Howell residence and is greeted by Mr. and Mrs. Howell. “Hello Phil!” they greet him, “Dan’s just getting the last of his things ready, he’ll be down in a minute.” As if on cue, Dan runs down the staircase, well as close to running you can get whilst carrying a giant suitcase. His mom immediately pulls him into a tight hug, “We’ll miss you so much honey, remember to visit for Christmas and spring break.”

“Of course I will mum.” comes Dan’s reply, muffled from the the fact he still has his face buried in his mum’s shoulder.

“And remember to always lock your front door and windows before you leave the flat, be careful of public transportation, a stay safe at night, I’ve heard about some rather nasty gangs on Cnxeros.”

“Don’t worry mum, I’ll be fine. Plus, I have Phil with me too.”

“Alright then, alright. Well I guess you boys better get going if you don’t want to miss your shuttle. Bye Dan, your dad and I are so proud of you.”

“Bye mum, bye dad!” Dan steps out the door and waves to his parents. He sees his dad wipe a tear away and almost cries himself, not out of sadness, but just because this is all so overwhelming and completely new to him. At least he has Phil by his side the whole way through. Dan holds his suitcase with his left hand and Phil’s hand is laced in his right. They board the 10:30am maglev train to the interplanetary shuttle station.

~

Dan opens the front door of their new home with his fingerprint already put into the system beforehand by their landlord. They step inside immediately start examining each room. Phil especially appreciates the large windows in all the rooms but the bathroom. The flat is half-furnished, some things such as a sofa and mattresses for the bed frames still need to be bought. “Hmm, smells like new paint.” Dan notes.

“Yeah, you’d think by now someone would have invented completely odorless paint but apparently not.”

“Oh well, it’ll fade in a few days. I think we should head down to Urka to get some furniture. I believe some mattresses would be a great addition to our flat.”

“Some sofas and a coffee table would be nice too.”

The two of them head down to Urka where they end up wasting too much looking at kitchen appliances instead of what they actually need. They end up picking out two mattresses since each bedroom came with a bed frame even though they know they’ll mostly sleep together; two bedsheet sets, Phil’s is blue, green, and purple, Dan’s is black and various shades of gray; two off-white colored sofas; and a glass coffee table. Of course the sofas and coffee table would be shipped to them, it’s not like they’re going to carry them home. Their cashier at the checkout was a girl who looked about their age of medium height with reddish brown hair, “How long have you two been together? You make such a cute couple.” she asked, making small talk.

“Nearly three years.” Phil replies.

“Oh that’s quite a while. Are you new here?”

“Yup, we actually just moved in today. We’re going to uni here on Cnxeros. I’m going to Mnerion and Phil’s going to Alexandria.” Dan answers this time. It’s the little things, like how easily the two answer questions together, finishing each other’s sentences or just knowing who’s going to answer what that leads even complete strangers to the conclusion that the two are a couple.

“Oh cool! I’m going to Mnerion too! Maybe we’ll see each other around campus.”

“Yeah maybe, well now I’ll know at least one person at the school on the first day.”

Calliope, her name tag reads, finishes ringing up Dan and Phil’s purchases and bid them goodbye.

~3 years later, October 11th, 5199

“You’ll call me every day, right?” Dan asks Phil.

“Of course, I always do. Remember to take care of the houseplants, okay?”

“Yeah okay. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too Dan, but I’m only going to be gone for four days, I’ll be back before you know it, alright?”

“Okay, stay safe!” Dan pulls Phil into a hug and then kisses him goodbye, “Say hi to your parents for me.”

“I will, don’t worry. Bye love, I’ll be back a few days.”

Dan waves goodbye to Phil as Phil steps into the shuttle the set to go to New Earth. He’s visiting now and not during a holiday because Martyn is getting married. He and Cornelia have been together for so long Phil almost forgot they weren’t married yet.

~

Martyn’s wedding was wonderful and Phil really loved seeing his family again, but he’s starting to miss Dan. He’s dialing Dan’s phone when the news on the TV captures his attention “...and the tensions between the Corpus and Animarin are rising. There have been riots and protests on both New Earth and Cnxeros. Some sources have reported a possibility of war breaking out and–” Phil turns off the TV and calls Dan, waiting impatiently for him to pick up the phone.

“Hey Phil how was the wedding?” Dan asks when he picks up.

“It was great, but have you seen the news? There’s something about the Corpus and Animarin... There’s a possibility of war. I’m really worried Dan, you know the Corpus controls pretty much everything on New Earth and the Animarin does the same on Cnxeros, do you know what could happen if war breaks out among these two systems?”

“Oh god Phil, I haven’t seen the news but that sounds scary. You’re coming home the day after tomorrow right? Is there any chance you can come back tomorrow?”

“I wish, but all the shuttle flights are booked for tomorrow, I just checked.”

“Dammit. It’s okay, I’m sure everything will be fine. Be safe.”

“I’ll try, love. I got to go now, my mum’s calling me. I’ll see you in two days.”

“Bye.”

~1 day later

“The Corpus has shut down all communication between New Earth and Cnxeros. Phone signals, netscreen signals, any mode of communication between the two planets has been cut off, maybe aside from snail mail, but who even uses that anymore?” the reporter on the TV announce, “All shuttle transport between the two planets has also been stopped and shuttle trips have been postponed indefinitely.” This second Phil hears this, he tries to dial Dan’s phone but to no avail. Next he tries a netscreen message, but an error message when he tried to to send it is all that happens.

Dan is scrolling through his phone when he sees a breaking news report, he clicks on the article and skims it, growing more and more anxious by the second. He tries to phone and message Phil without success. What the hell is he supposed to do? So many things have suddenly been thrown into question. When will Phil be back? Is his family okay?

~4 days later, October 16th, 5199

**  
**Phil hasn’t heard anything from Dan in days because of this bloody strife between the Corpus and Animarin. He hasn’t been able to contact Dan either. There’s no doubt he’s worrying about Phil. The uncertainty of everything right now kills Phil. How is he supposed to contact Dan? The reporter jokingly mentioned snail mail and there are still a few postal services still existing, Phil doesn’t know why they do, but in this moment he is thankful for them. It’s worth a shot, he’ll write to Dan and see if he can track down the headquarters of one of these postal services and send it.


	4. Part 4

~August 18th, 5200

A series of  knocks from downstairs wakes Phil up far earlier than he’s used to and intends to. In the process of trying to get up, he quite literally rolls out of bed, effectively tipping over a coffee mug and nearly breaking his glasses. He pulls on a pair of trousers and goes down the stairs as quickly as he can manage and still not break any limbs. The knocking s incessant by the time he reaches the door; he yanks it open to find a tired looking girl, probably not much younger than him with a package in hand. “Delivery for Philip Lester.” she announces, her voice matching her tired demeanor.

Phil was slightly surprised about two things. One, getting a package, who the hell is sending him things? Surely Dan wouldn’t risk trying to send a package given the political state of New Earth and Cnxeros, the chances of it being intercepted are too high. And two, it was delivered not by a delivery bot, but a human (at least Phil was pretty sure she was human). “Uh thanks.” is all he says before taking the package and shutting the door. He tears open the cardboard sleeve of the package to find a sleek white box with no outer markings to indicate who it’s from. He opens it and there lies a single Bluestar flower, in almost perfect condition. There was no more doubt as to who this is from. Under the flower is a folded card that read “To: Phil”. The “from” is already conveyed through the flower. Gingerly, Phil opens the card and sees Dan’s familiar handwriting that is pretty much impossible for anyone to read but Dan himself and Phil.

_Dear Phil,_

__

_I feel trapped, I am trapped, I haven’t seen you in almost a year. Normally I’d go on about how painful this is, but I’m sure you already know. We’ve seen each other almost every day for over 14 years and then they ripped us apart. I know it sounds cheesy and awful, but it’s like they took away my sunshine, my everything. God, I miss you so much. There’s talk of a ceasefire and a treaty between the Corpus and the Animarin, so maybe, just maybe something will go right for us. I love you so much Phil, more than anyone else in this universe has ever loved. We’ll be together again very soon, I promise you. I will fight tooth and nail for you to come back even if it mean storming into Animarin’s headquarters and somehow forcing them into a ceasefire. I love you Phil._

__

_Yours Truly,_

_Dan_

 


End file.
